The Grief of Long-Distance Best Friends

a love letter

During my weekly friend phone chat with Makena, she asked me an unexpected question: "How are your friendships?" My first reaction was confusion. Did she mean all of my friendships collectively? Was I supposed to give them a grade? Or was she asking about each individual friendship?

After a brief moment of reflection, I automatically responded, "Good!" Because my friendships are good… right? But after we hung up, I continued to think about her question and realized that "good" wasn't the full picture.

I have strong friendships in Arlington and D.C. I have friends to climb with, to play poker with, to explore farmers’ markets with, and to cook dinner with. But as I've been trying to prioritize the friendships that truly bring me joy, I've also found myself narrowing my inner circle. My weekends aren't as packed. I don’t have plans with friends every night of the week. I don’t have frequent phone calls with friends. Instead, I have a few solid friendships that mean a lot to me.

Later that night, I shared my thoughts with Ryan. I explained that while I have some really great friends here, I'm feeling a bit starved for deep, meaningful, and joyful female friendships. Watching Lara and Makena, my best friends, live together in San Francisco, meeting new people and making new friends, has been harder than I've admitted to myself. I envy the little life they've built together and wish so deeply that I could be a more present part of it.

I met Lara in 2017 while we were working as fitness instructors at a summer camp in Michigan. After a few days of breaking down her protective walls, we quickly became close friends. That winter, Lara introduced me to Makena, and the three of us went on a 10-day road trip from Detroit to Toronto, despite Makena and me having never met before. We had an amazing time and coined our "three girls" narrative.

Since then, Lara and Makena have been my people. We've traveled together, started a podcast, planned my wedding, comforted each other through heartbreaks, and celebrated countless joys and lessons. We've watched each other grow into thoughtful, curious, and passionate women. In 2020, Makena moved to Boulder, Colorado, and a year later, Lara moved in with her. I've become accustomed to grieving the fact that they live together so far from me. If I hadn't met Ryan (which I’m thrilled I did!), I’m sure I would have moved there too.

In 2023, Lara and Makena moved to San Francisco together to start a new chapter. But honestly, the hardest part of all of this has been being far away for their new relationships. I want so badly to share this phase of their lives with them. I want to see them giddy over someone new. I want to physically glare at one of their ex-partners if I run into them. I want to share these moments and feelings with them. Phone calls and infrequent visits aren’t enough for me.

To top it all off, I recently made it to the final round of a job interview in San Francisco. The organization ended up needing to "reimagine" the position and paused the search, but during that process, I allowed myself to believe that I could actually find a great job and move to the Bay Area. Moving closer to Lara and Makena had always felt like a bit of a pipe dream, but suddenly it felt so close I could touch it.

When I didn’t get the job, I was almost more upset about losing the envisioned life I had imagined while I was there—weekend walks with Douglas (Makena’s dog) and Fitz in Mill Valley; weekend trips to Humboldt and Jenner; the occasional weeknight movie and cuddles.

I’ve been grieving the closing of that door—not because it’s impossible to open in the future, but because it had felt so tangibly within reach. Truly good friends are rare, and I feel grateful to have Lara and Makena, along with many other close friends. But I’ve been mourning the fact that I live so far from most of them. I love weekend trips and long phone calls, but it’s not the same as living on the same block, in the same residence hall, or in the same neighborhood. Two Rupi Kaur poems about friendship have been cycling through my mind recently, so I’ll end with these.