You Don't Have to Change Your Last Name
part 2: let's have that conversation
The number of readers who reached out to me in response to the last newsletter was overwhelming. I didn’t mean to spur a series on the intersection of feminism and tradition, but here we are. Hearing that others are having similar feelings was validating, because, hot take: wedding planning can feel really lonely. You are planning an event for a big group, and you are doing so largely alone. If you are not an event planner—and I am not—taking responsibility for so many decisions and details can be intimidating.
People reached out to me about secretly wanting to wear dresses that were not white or were not traditional but feeling so much pressure to conform. Others offered advice on innovative ways to set up a ceremony and reception. Friends I had never talked to about any of these struggles confided that they were feeling similarly but had no one to talk to about it. It was magical. I love the moments that make you realize that so many people around you are feeling the same things.
One theme that came up frequently was the concept of changing your last name. I touched on it briefly in the last newsletter, but the responses suggested that the topic should have its own space. I am mainly talking about heterosexual relationships in this newsletter, but innovating tradition can and should be a part of every type of relationship.
Until the 1970’s, the most women (in heterosexual relationships) changed their last names with little hesitation, following the patriarchal notions of ownership: father to husband. Interestingly, the first U.S. woman on record to keep her last name was Lucy Stone, an anti-slavery and women’s suffrage crusader who got married in 1855.
Prior to 1975, laws incentivized women to take their husband’s last name. It was much more difficult for women to get a driver’s license, gain custody of their children, or vote if they did not assume the surname of their husband. No law explicitly said “you must take your husband’s last name,” but for all intents and purposes you needed to. In 1975 the Supreme Court of Tennessee struck down a law (Dunn v. Palermo) requiring women to register to vote under their husband’s surname. By the end of the 1970’s, all laws that incentivized women to take their husband’s last name were struck down, rescinded, or ignored.
When my mom was born, in 1957, her parents didn’t give her a middle name. They just assumed she would take her husband’s last name and move her last name to the middle. That didn’t happen. To this day, she is just Jean McPherson. My mom was a student at the University of Michigan in the late 1970’s, when the feminist movement was in high gear. Many of her beliefs come from her time in Ann Arbor and the following years in Berkeley and Ventura, California. When she married my dad in 1990, there was never a question that she would keep her last name.
When I was born, in 1995, my mom, Jean McPherson, and my dad, Ed Wehan, had to figure out what last name to give me. My dad wanted McPherson to be my middle name, Wehan my last. But my mom insisted that her last name be part of my last name as well. So which name do you put first? McPherson-Wehan? or Wehan-McPherson? As part of the agreement to hyphenate the two last names, my dad got to choose which went first. He chose McPherson-Wehan, because it undeniably had a better ring to it. Thus sweet baby Mallory Claire McPherson-Wehan was born.
I grew up feeling strongly that I would keep my last name. I loved having both of my parents’ last names. It made me feel like a product of them both equally. Less enjoyable was having to endlessly write my full name on papers, documents, applications…for example, filling out the bubbles on the SAT (21 letters!). Sometimes in school I just resorted to writing Mallory MW. But for the most part, I was never angry about my long last name. It was a conversation starter and a visual representation of my feminist mom.
When I started dating Ryan, I made it clear that if we married I wouldn’t be taking his last name. That was four years ago, so I find it hard to remember his exact response, but he was supportive and mostly responded with logistics questions about our children’s last names (this is very on brand for Ryan, always the rational guy).
In 2022, approximately 70-80% of women still take their husband’s last name. In comparison, roughly 3% of men take their wife’s last name. When I talk to my friends about this phenomenon, the main concerns that come up are:
1) partners feeling passionate about a last name change, following tradition
2) the problem of what last name to give their children
3) the loss of family unity if every member of the family doesn’t share a last name
There are many valid reasons to change your last name but the part that frustrates me is how often there isn’t a real conversation about the issue. We assume that the current tradition is best because it seems the most simple, but it still puts the burden on the woman to change her identity (and legally and professionally that is not easy). As a woman, changing your last name is just an assumed step in a marriage. My hope would be that every couple sits down and has a genuine conversation about their last names. Some great conversation starters:
What does your last name mean to you? What role has it played in your identity?
What would it mean to you to change your last name? What would it mean to keep it?
How do you feel about the tradition of changing last names once married? Where do those beliefs come from?
Many of my friends chose to take their husband’s last name. That doesn’t make them any less feminist. My purpose in writing this is not to galvanize a generation of Millennial and Gen-Z people to keep their last names. But I do want to emphasize that there are legitimate arguments on both sides. For example, here would be my list:
Reasons to keep my last name:
I like my last name
It makes me feel really connected to my parents and their families
Changing my name is a big ol’ hassle that I have no interest in doing
Reasons to get rid of my last name:
Writing “McPherson-Wehan” on forms takes a really long time
Airlines do not understand hyphens!!!
I’m not totally sure what to do about our children’s last names
The last point is one I hear over and over again, as if convenience should be the thing stopping us from going against tradition. I’m going to be candid. I’m not totally sure what last name our children will have, but that doesn’t keep me up at night. Ryan and I have talked about the issue and feel confident that we will come to the best conclusion for us when the time arrives.
Just because I’m not interested in changing my last name doesn’t mean I love, respect, or care about Ryan or his family any less. It doesn’t mean I’m trying to upend our family unity or sabotage our stick-figure window decal family. I’m actively choosing to keep my last name because doing so feels like the right decision for me. That certainly does not mean it is the right decision for everyone, but I do hope this newsletter encourages you to have the conversation. That’s the best first step.